PDA

Mid conversation I got distracted by the couple sitting across from us at the bar. 

I watched as he massaged his fingers through her hair starting from the bottom of her neck working his way up, sliding his fingers through her long locks while rubbing her scalp. I watched as she closed her eyes and tilted her head to the side. I could feel what she felt for I have been touched like that before too and I yearned for that feeling again. 

Therefore I could not take my eyes off of them. My friend probably thought I was being ignorant for spacing him out but feeling something I so much desired was much more important than our conversation. Then, she opened her eyes and locked them with his. I watched him slowly pull her in for the kiss then I looked away to give them some privacy. "Get a room." my friend said amongst us. My response to him was, "It's beautiful really. When you are so into each other you don't think about who else is in the room the only thing on your mind is each other." Then I remembered how it was to look him in the eyes. I was so latched onto him. Actually every time we were together It felt like no one else was in the room just us. He was all I needed and wanted. No one else mattered. I only wished he were as into me as I was into him. Always distracted, always unfulfilled. That's one hell of a heart ache. When you feel so in love that nothing else matters. You let your guard down and hold your heart and soul In your hands and offer it to them. You want them to have it. You want them to have all of you. Hoping they too embrace you and love you the way you love them. Yet they are so easily distracted by other people or other things around them instead of embracing the moment and what's directly in from of them and in the end it's you who suffers. It's you who is alone. And you sit there picking up the broken pieces putting your heart back together. Watching that couple look into each other's eyes and feeling how crazy they were for each other gave me hope. "At least someone's getting laid around here." I joked as I watched them leave the bar. 

We have to go back!

We were having an awesome night, sitting by the fire and drinking a couple of beers. It started getting late and we decided to head home. I was resting my eyes on the drive home until my friend said "Holy shit a car got into an accident, we have to go back!" I replied "What? Seriously?" As we pull up and get out of the car all I see is a car with about three Indian gentlemen outside and there headlights shining on a car with the entire front end smashed. We run up and ask them are there people in there? And before the one guy could finish his sentence I ran as fast as I could up to the car to see if people were hurt. Upon opening the driver side door a man steps out, lighting a cigarette and his face covered in blood. The radio was blasting. I asked are you okay? What is your name? He was able to tell me his name and he asked me to turn the radio off and to grab his shoe. He only had one shoe on. I leaned into the car turned the loud music off and grabbed him his shoe. Meanwhile one of the Indian guys was on the phone with the cops and asked my friend to talk to them because they couldn't understand what he was saying. My friend talked to the cops giving them our location. I continued trying to talk to the guy that got in the accident. Where were you coming from? He said his family was camping down the road. Have you been drinking? Moments later he replied "I'm so fucked" I felt my friend grab my arm and say we need to leave." Let's try to clear up the road then we need to get the fuck out of here." There was car debris all over the road. Kicking it to the side we saw one of the tires and parts from under the car sitting on the side of the road. I stared at it in shock I never seen an accident like that before. "Holy Shit!" I said, as my friend took my hand and we ran to our car. "We need to get the fuck out of here! The cops are coming and we have been drinking." We ran to the car and got inside. My friend screamed at me "Let me see your hands! Did you get blood on you?" I put my hands out "No, No!" I didn't touch any blood!" Are you sure? "Yes, yes, I'm sure." He told me to never go near or touch someone whose bleeding without gloves. "You never know! They could have something! AIDS, anything!" "Okay" I replied and he slammed on the gas. I couldn't believe what just happened. "So fucked up." I looked at him. "Sorry I'm a little shaken". "It's okay, me too." Wow, I did not expect to see that tonight." "Me too", he replied. I rested my head on his lap while he combed his fingers through my hair. "That was crazy."

Wrestling around like children.

Laying there while you comb your fingers

through my hair

Holding me in your arms 

Legs wrapped together 

Comfortable, inseparable and safe

I love the smell of your vape

And feeling your hand upon my face 

I like the way you play with me

Wrestling around like children

Making you laugh 

Is one of my missions

It's a tough time but I'm here to remind you that things will be okay

I'll visit you as often as I can

Keep you company

And I'll make you smile

It's attractive

When you switch up your style

It's also impressive that you care

Hurt you like she did, I wouldn't dare

And I am excited to see where this goes

Yes we have been spending time together

I don't give a shit who knows

It's no ones business but our own

I Can't wait to see you again

Maybe next time we'll carve pumpkins

Before the winter comes

And it's too cold

Yes it blows

But I can't wait to snuggle up under blankets and drink hot cocoa

With you

These times are rough

But we'll make it through

Know what's better than one? 

Two. 

And don't waste time worrying babe

I won't leave you. 

To you, wherever you are.

I forgive you

Hold me tight

Promise me this time

You'll do me right

Don't do me wrong

Me and you, we belong

To overcome your fears, it was long

You were still weak while I was strong

But I believed in you all along

And I always will

Holding me in your arms again

what a thrill

I felt alone, until 

you came back to me

Without you I couldn't breathe

It was killing me, internally

Together again, our love will be

As Beautiful as the sky above the sea

Day 5

Day 5,

Now I'm not so happy he is here.

At first when I saw him I was flustered and filled with joy. Until he sat next to me and told me that he has a girlfriend. 

See, we hung out a couple of times the week before I came in here. We talked and we hugged. He hugged me around my waist and asked me not to leave. I thought he liked me. But the last time I was going to see him he bailed. I had to take my mom to work since we'd been sharing the car and I had two hours free before class. I asked him the night before if I could come over in the morning and cuddle before class. I knew I'd be exhausted and I missed his smell. He wore this cologne that smelled so good. Every time I'd leave him the smell would linger with me for the rest of the day. I was feeling so stressed lately and something about that smell relaxed me. I couldn't get enough of it. Anyway, he told me "Ofcourse you can!" and I told him I'd be there around 9. After I dropped my mom off I texted him. No answer. I went all the way to his house and tried calling him. No answer. So I left. Let down and disappointed. But whatever I was used to it. Getting let down and disappointed by men. 

Now when I first saw him walking down the hall I couldn't believe it! I was thinking what are the chances he would be in here the same time as me? Maybe it was fate? Maybe it was meant to be? But that whole idea was soon shot to shit.

He came up to me as I was coloring and told me he should have never done anything with me because he never loved me.

He said he has a girlfriend now and that he loves her and that one day I'd find someone to love me but it's not him.

Since then he hasn't shown any interest in me what so ever. Plus I can't even have a conversation with him. He thinks he knows it all and it's kind of annoying. 

It's a shame. 

As I sit on the chair in the smoke room I look over and see him sitting on the floor. 

It reminds me of the time me and Jason were in here and we sat on the floor together.

We both had severe anxiety and depression. As we sat next to eachother on the floor I'd lay my head on his shoulder and we would both smoke one cigarette and then share one. 

I missed that contact between us. At that time it was the most comforting thing in the world. Having someone who feels the same way as you, someone who understands you, someone to lean on.

I reminisce over Jason as I lay my head on the girls shoulder sitting next to me.

She was old enough to be my mom but she let me keep my head on her shoulder as I blew my cigarette smoke into the air. 

Oblivious

June was a biology major and excited for the new school semester. Outfit? Check! Bag? Check, Schedule?Check! As she walked through the doors she pulled out her schedule to make sure she was going to the right classroom. She walked into the room, set her bag on the table, pulled out the chair and took a seat. Then, she heard her name called and noticed a few of her friends were in the same class. She was thrilled and tried catching up with them as much as she could before class started. As the professor started the lecture she looked around the room and noticed a guy sitting across from her. She had a class with him once before and had also seen him out a few times and thought he was attractive. She looked down at her desk with a smirk on her face. Then tuned into the professors lecture. She had a long day and couldn't wait to get to bed. Before she slept she lay there thinking about what she was going to wear the next day. Then that guy popped into her head and she wondered if he'd be in any of her other classes. She fantasized about him before she fell into a deep sleep. 

The next day she had 2 classes the first one went extremely well and she felt excited. Her second class she walked into the door and took a seat next to a woman who she had recognized because they had other classes together. She began to talk with her about biology and such. While locked into conversation she noticed someone hand her papers. She took one and passed it along. Then, she turned around and there he was. The guy was sitting right next to her on her right side and she was totally oblivious. Surprised she said "Hey!, did you change your major?" He said "yes". "That's cool." she responded, and then class started. She thought wow really? What are the odds that the guy I was thinking about is not only in another one of my classes but is sitting right next to me? She smiled to herself. This semester shall be interesting. 

Conceptual Perception

Reading the first chapter in Art Fundamentals Theory and Practice Twelfth Edition, I read about conceptual perception and it says " Artists who are inspired by imaginative concepts are called "conceptual" artists. Leonardo da Vinci, writing in his Treatise on Painting, recorded an experience with conceptual perception while studying clouds: "On one occasion above Milan, over in the direction of Lake Maggiore, I saw a cloud shaped like a huge mountain made up of banks of fire..." Elsewhere, he recommends staring at stains on walls as a source of inspiration." Also that Victor Hugo found many of his ideas for drawings by studying coffee stains on tablecloths. And that's when I realized I am a conceptual artist. Every time I look at something patters on old wood doors, trees, dots on the ceiling, works of art my imagination goes wild. I think of all these things just from a simple word, mark, shape or design. I always say how when I look at something I see things other people don't see and I never knew how to explain it and there it is! "When the imagination triggers this creative vision and suggests addition images, the artists are employing conceptual perception."

A sky full of stars.

A birthday party

Turned into much more of a delight

The fire was big 

The stars were bright

I wasn't sure if he liked me

But I picked up his vibes

He lent me his knife 

And he gave me a ride

As the night came to an end

All I wanted to do

Was gaze at the stars 

On a blanket with you

Laying together 

Counting the shooting stars

I didn't want him to leave

So I curled up into his arms

We were getting sleepy

And he had to leave 

I pleaded for him not to go 

It appeared I'd have to give him a reason to stay

So I did so

I stratled him

As we kissed

My hand gripping the grass

I didn't want to get caught

We'd have to be fast

Flipping me over 

Taking off my pants

I slid down his zipper 

And felt him at last

Before I knew it

We were going at it

Under a sky full of stars

I gave him a kiss goodbye

Before he got in his car 

As a reminder of her.

After a long day spent in Hershey I agreed to go to my moms boyfriends house with her to see what was going on with my car. ( They had been working on it all weekend.) My moms boyfriend lives at home with his father who is around the age of 75. When we got to his house his father was sitting on the porch so we sat with him and started to conversate and catch up. While I sat on the ledge of the porch I couldn't help but notice a small door to my left and through the window on the door I saw this room. Light from the sun casted through the window onto an antique white table and chair dining set and what looked like light blue carpets. It looked absolutely beautiful. I asked is that part of your house? Does someone else live there? My mother and him started laughing. He joked "Yes someone else lives there." Then got up and said "Follow me and I'll show you." So he opened the door and I followed him inside of his house. We made a sharp left turn and then he opened a door and I walked in. I was instantly hit with a breeze of fresh air and something about the room felt comforting and beautiful. It was very feminine. He pointed to a painting on the wall and told me his wife had painted it. A painting of their cat. He went on to tell me a story about how they had a mole in the back yard and how they bought the cat originally to get rid of the mole. As he was telling me the story I remember how my mother told me his wife had passed away a couple of years ago. I complimented him on how beautiful the room was. He knew how I was into writing and art so he pointed to a poem that was framed on the wall and told me to read it. He said it was his wife's favorite poem. Now unfortunately I don't remember the poem word for word but as I read it I started getting tears in my eyes. I realized that this room was hers. He kept this room as a reminder of her. I felt like how I felt watching the movie Up for the first time. I told him the poem was beautiful and I joked that I had better get out of there before I ball my eyes out and he said "I know I know", and we left the room. I left that night thinking how amazing? Love does exist and I felt the love they shared as I was in that room and I read that poem. Truly touching. 

BAD BLOOD

After hours of contemplating I have decided to share this encounter with you. So I started seeing this guy. We went on 5 dates total. Date 1- he took me to a restaurant in Dallas, went for frozen yogurt and we went to see the fireworks at Mohegan sun. They were amazing and I thought it was a great 1st date. Our second date he invited me to a wedding and I was introduced to his closest friends that I totally adored. Smart, funny, great guys that I will truly miss. I asked his one friend if he liked me and he said yes and that he thought with my creativity that I'd be a perfect balance with him. And I thought so too. I never dated a guy who was into sports before he was different and I liked that. 3rd Date we went to a zoo and an aquarium. I had a great time with him and the more we talked and got to know each other the more I liked him. The 4th and 5th date we just went out to a local bar and I spent the night with him. While we hung out, road tripped, and sat at the bar. We discussed a lot of topics. And one of them that came from his mouth and I quote " I don't like liars and mind games". I agreed with him and told him I would never lie to him I am real and straight forward about everything. I asked him if he liked me. And he said he did. Also when we ran into his friends at the bar he would make kids jokes referring to me. "I asked her to have kids with me but she won't" jokingly and I replied " We gotta get married first" we talked about kids a lot. I told him how I love kids and wanted to have lots of babies. It seamed like we had common goals. We clicked. Looking back it makes me sad because for a while I kept telling myself I don't think I want kids because when I looked at them it reminded me of the abuse I suffered when I was a kid. But with him it was different. When I looked at him I felt safe and comfortable. He made me feel like everything would be okay. I trusted him. I felt myself growing feelings for him. Now Im pretty sure every girl does this but when I see a guy I ask myself Could I marry him? And when I looked at him I really thought It was possible. I could see myself marrying him And having little babies together. He made future plans with me asked me to go to a wedding with him in September. I started shopping for an outfit and everything. I thought he liked me and I really liked him but I have one regret... and that is that I slept with him on our fifth date. I drank too much and it happened. Honestly I don't remember most of it. And it's a shame. I joked with him that I had a five date rule but truly I wanted to sleep with him the first time I laid eyes on him. So attracted to him. I remember laying in his bed the first time I spent the night I laid there watching him sleep and though god I would love it so much if he just pounced on me! I wanted him so bad. But anyways that morning I remember I was super hungover I kissed him goodbye before he went to softball and I left. After that day my car broke and I didn't have it for a week. I wanted to meet with him so bad the next day for lunch but I couldn't and I missed him so much all week. All week I stressed not being able to see him and yesterday morning I legit got on my hands and knees and begged my mom for the car for the night so I could see him. She said yes and I was so thrilled. That after noon he texted me saying that he picked up some extra work and that we might not be able to go to a concert last night and I texted him back telling him it didn't matter, that all I wanted to do was see him. And he never replied back. I texted him hours later asking him to please at least respond to me and tell me what was going on... No answer. He totally ignored me and blew me off last night. The one day we were able to see each other he ignored me and didn't give a shit. I wasn't even worth a response. I was crushed and still am. For a guy who says he doesn't like liars and mind games, get a kind loving girls hopes up tell her you like her then ignore her and blow her off.  What a hypocrite. Out of all the names to call him I think a deceiver works best. I was so pissed off and upset yesterday I thought about keying his car. But after a needed night out with my best girl friends I've decided to not be angry. I feel bad. Because he just lost the best thing that could've happened to him. 

Keep it in the book.

The other day I almost told a friend the horrific stuff that happened with my father. I usually don't tell anyone or want to tell anyone because it's so messed up and I don't want them to feel bad for me or look at me in a different way. I don't know if it was the whiskey or that I felt comfortable but it started coming out like word vomit. Mid conversation my friend got distracted and didn't ask about it again so I just kind of dropped it and didn't bring it up again. I was a little upset thinking maybe he didn't care but now I'm glad I didn't finish telling him. It is a lot to handle and I don't think it's fair I just throw it on him. I think it is best I keep it in the book. That way people have a choice if they want to hear it or not. It's kind of like a horror movie, some people can handle it and some can't. And I don't want to force someone who hates horror movies to watch one. 

He told me he liked my dress.

I asked him to take me to Jim Thorpe. He was never there before and it was my favorite place to go shopping. When we got there we got us some iced coffees then headed into an antique shop. The aisles were small and he was walking behind me. He told me he liked my dress. "Thank you" I said. Then he asked "Will you show me what's underneath?" I laughed bashfully. "No! Get out of here." I playfully turned around and pushed his shoulder. He grabbed my wrist and looked me in the eyes and said "Show me". He wasn't asking me to show him he was telling me to. He was giving me orders and I liked it. I could feel my heart start beating in my chest. I turned around and kept walking not knowing what to say. I walked passed a sheet hanging on the wall. I moved it over to see that it was covering a small closet. I looked back at him and smiled. Then I felt his hand grip my arm and he pulled me into the room. "What are you doing?, We are going to get caught!" I whispered then he put his hand under my chin, told me to be quiet and he kissed me. He took my iced coffee from my hand and set it on the ground. Then as he stood up I felt his hands go up my dress and he started rubbing me. I dug my head into his chest and could feel myself getting wetter and wetter. Then his hands moved to the sides of my underwear and he started pulling them down. "What are you doing?" I whispered as I laughed. I couldn't believe what was going on. He got on his knees as he pulled my underwear down to my lower thighs. He spread my legs apart, looked up at me and said "Shh, be quiet". Then I watched his head go under my dress and I tilted my head back and closed my eyes. "Oh my god". Feeling his warm mouth and tongue licking me sent chills up my back. I tried not to make a sound as I grabbed onto his shoulders and clenched his shirt in my fists. It felt so good that my knees started to shake. He stopped pleasuring me with his mouth and pulled my underwear back up. Then he stood up and kissed me. I moaned into his mouth as I tasted myself on his tongue. He picked me up and I wrapped my legs around his waist. Feeling him between my legs made me want him even more. He set me down and moved the sheet over to see if anyone was coming by. Then he grabbed my hand and pulled me out. I was flabbergasted and couldn't stop smiling. I could feel the wetness between my legs as I walked behind him exiting the store. He told me we were going to go somewhere so he could finish what he started. I didn't argue with him. I wanted more. We got in his car and he started to drive. My crave for him grew stronger and stronger and I couldn't sit still anymore. I turned on my side, reached over and placed my hand near the zipper of his pants and started kissing his neck. I sat back in my seat and chuckled. If he only knew what I had in store for him. 

To be Continued... 

Right here, right now.

Sitting in the library reading a book I get the sudden urge to glance up and there you are. As your eyes lock with mine I get the chills and butterflies in my stomach. I look back down at the pages. I can't believe it's you, I can't sit any longer. I climb the stairs and hide in a tall aisle of book shelves. The memories of us flood through my mind. Looking at the books, one catches my eye and as I go to grab it off of the shelf I feel hands grip me at my waist and a chest pressed up against my back. Sending chills through my body I know it is you. I tilt my head back into you as you start kissing my neck. Despite the past, despite everything. Right here, right now. I want you to take me. My mind and body surrender itself to you and within seconds you spin me around, lift me against the bookshelf and kiss me. I'm aggressive and unlike before you are too. Instead of trying to slow me down and be passionate. We are colliding. Before knocking books off of the shelf you carry me over to a table off in the corner. My head is pressed into your chest breathing heavily into you. While sitting on the table you press yourself into me. Pushing my pelvic against yours I feel you. Just feeling you up against me between my legs makes me wetter than ever and you are driving me crazy. I can't wait any longer and I grab hold of your belt around your waist. I pull you into me harder and harder then you lean in and whisper in my ear, "it's yours baby take it". As you kiss me deeply I unlock your belt, pull down your zipper and slip my hand inside your pants. Touching and rubbing you. The size of you excites me even more. I pull it out and you press yourself against me. You lift up my dress and pull my panties over to the side. I try not to be loud as you insert yourself inside of me and then I wake up. Why are you still in my dreams?...

Fathers Day

Today I do not wish a happy Father's Day to my father because of many reasons that I will share with you one day in the book I am currently writing. Instead I thank my mom for everything. In the past couple of months I became closer to my mom than ever. I used to have so much resent and anger towards her because of the false and terrible things my father would say about her. And I wish I wasn't such a fool and closed minded. Today I apologize again for all the things I said out of anger in the past. You are such an incredible, kind, loving person, and you deserve the world. I love you mom so much. Hope you have a wonderful day and beautiful days to come. Xoxo 

Girls kiss Girls

I like to kiss girls sometimes so what? I never looked at is as anything unusual. But people who hear that think it is weird and tell me that I'm lesbian or bi-curious. The more I think about it I don't know if I could seriously go any further than just making out with a girl. The question that's been stirring up in my head is could I be in a relationship with one? This came about within the last few days after me hanging out with my best friend who is in fact a lesbian. There is no doubt in my mind that I love this girl. We tell each other everything. We know and accept each others sides bad or good. We understand each other. And sometimes we even think alike. Sometimes she would hit on me and when we drink together we always end up making out but I never would let it get passed that because I was scared it would ruin our friendship. She is my best friend but could she be my girlfriend? We always joke about dating each other but today I was actually considering it.  She told me she had a crush on me since high school and that she wants to try to date me before I leave the state. Being as open minded as I am I want to try everything at least once in life and so far I've never tried dating a girl. And what's a better way than trying it with your best friend who already understands and loves you? We'll see...