Single and back home.

I usually say live life with no regrets but this I can't help but regret so fucking much. I regret getting back with him because if I didn't I would be in New York now most likely happier than ever.  I loved him and I would do anything to be with him. I sacrificed everything for him all to get to where I am now, single and back home. Before I got back with him I was so happy I seriously loved myself I knew where I was going in life, what I wanted. When we first got back together I told him I was going to move to New York and he was the one who convinced me to stay longer so he could save more money and move with me. Then after months go by and we are about to make the move he tells me he doesn't want to move there anymore and ever since I decided to not move there and stay here with him everything went to complete shit. Every day hes all over the place and would tell me something different every day. "Don't worry babe we're going to travel this summer."  The next day "I don't want to travel, I want to go back to school." The next day, "We're going to Japan in June.", The next day, "Oh, now we aren't."  "I want to do this., no I want to do that." "We should do this, no we should do that." I seriously have never been so mind fucked before. He gave me the run around and in return it made me confused and had me questioning everything especially our relationship.  I tried to help and bring positivity into his life and tried to steer him in the right direction, give him some guidance and I just got ridiculed for it. He told me I needed to change, told me I can't be happy all the time. He put me down for my spontaneous ways. I was ready to leave but no I fucking listened to him and look where that got me, single and back home. I'm not even sad that we broke up I am angry that I wasted my love, time and money on him. He is trying to be civil with me but honestly I have no need to still be friends with him after all the shit he put me though. At least now I know It would have never worked between us and I am free from the bullshit and happy again. Plus I'll be home for my best friends wedding and my sisters prom/ graduation. I also have a job lined up and I plan on saving over the summer then finally moving to New York where I belong. My advice is let past relationships stay in the past. Never let a man make you question yourself or beliefs and don't change for anyone especially if that change makes you sad or uncomfortable.  

No talking to people in other groups!

First thing I thought was boys boys boys. If there's one thing that helps with depression and anxiety it's hooking up. Feels good and gets your mind off of things. No way was I going to hook up with a guy from there. I mean I almost got away with hooking up with someone the first time I was there but we were in love and I'll save that for another story. Hooking up, actually any physical contact with another patient was absolutely forbidden. I was threatened my first time in the hospital because I placed my hand on a guy. They said if they saw us touch one more time they would send one of us to a different unit. This time I wouldn't take things that far but in the cafeteria I noticed two good looking guys and I eye fucked both of them. Besides my time in the cafeteria my day consisted of crying in my bed, going to groups and meeting with doctors that tried me on different meds and monitored me like a god damn lab rat. Honestly I was sick of thinking and talking about my problems I felt like I deserved to have a little fun. About the second or third day during lunch I waiting for one of the guys to walk by me at the salad bar. He was cute and I noticed he had guages in is ears. "Nice guages, what size are you?", "I'm at an inch.", "Cool I think that's the size I want to go to. They look really nice on you.", "No talking to people in other groups!" The nurse yelled at us. I just laughed and walked to my table. When he came down the aisle I made eye contact and smiled. Then I glanced at the nurse and noticed she was watching me like a hawk. At Dinner I was at the salad bar again when I noticed one of the nurses that was on my unit the first time I was hospitalized. She was a stone cold bitch. I'd tell you what she did but I'm saving that for another story as well. Anyway, as soon as I saw her I said, Remember Me?", She said, "Ofcourse I do, Why are you back?" I told her my meds stopped working. Then she asked me what unit I was in. The next morning before breakfast my whole group got a lecture about not talking to people in other groups in the cafeteria. I chuckled because I new it was because that bitch told them about me.  I sat there tapping my fingers on the table and waited for my next victim to walk up to the drink station. As soon as he went up I walked up next to him started pouring a coffee and said Hi. He asked me my name. I told him then he said, "Yo I thought it was you I just added you on Facebook the other day."  "Really?, thats awesome!" "Yeah, Do you have a Boyfriend?", I said "Nope" and I smiled and walked away. His table was all the way on the other side of the room. I made sure I sat facing him and kept making eye contact with him until his group left the cafeteria. During lunch I ran into him again and he told me he was getting out. I told him to keep in touch. We hung out a couple of times when I got out of the hospital. He ended up getting put on house arrest and would be on it for a year or so. He also had issues with his ex and I didn't have time to deal with that so I stopped talking to him. After he told me he was getting out of the hospital I thought, "Shit, I better slip the guy with the gauges my number before he leaves me too." This was gonna be fun. I wrote my number on a small piece of paper and said text me sometime with a wink face. I didn't put my name on it incase one of the nurses found it. Then I'd be in deep shit. They would probably take my cafeteria rights away from me and I really didn't want that to happen. At dinner I took my time placing cucumbers on my plate at the salad bar and waited for Guages to move up in the line. I looked to see if the nurses where watching, they weren't. I turned around and said Hey!, he looked at me and I handed him my number. He took it out of my hand and smiled. I walked over to my table feeling accomplished. One of the girls in my group was sitting across from me, noticed me smiling and asked "What are you up too?" I laughed, took a sip of my coffee and said "Nothing."