Keeping It Real

I showed up early for once but yet I had to wait an extra twenty-five minutes until the door opened. "I apologize in advance, Shay-Lin, is it? I corrected her pronunciation of my name and followed her down a hall and when she turned the door knob I hoped this doctor wouldn't be like the last one I went too. I walked in the room and was surprised to see the computer screen was huge and the doctor was an attractive white male probably in his early thirties. I took a seat and said this is weird and laughed. It was the first time I was seeing a doctor over a computer screen. We introduced ourselves then got straight to business. I felt comfortable with him so I asked him something that's been on my mind for quite some time now. I know you are just meeting me now and you don't know much about me but how do you know when someone doesn't have to be on medication anymore? When I was first in the hospital I was a mess. I learned so many traumatizing things that happened to me that I definitely needed to be on medication to cope with it all. But after time has passed I feel like I've improved a lot. I've accepted the things that have happened and I no longer get  that crippling anxiety. I also know how to handle stressful situations. The doctor said, honestly there is no way to know for sure if someone doesn't need medication anymore. Basically it's up to me and how I feel. Instead of freaking out on me like other doctors would. "You can't stop your medication!" "You need medication!" "You have a chemical imbalance in your brain!", Is just some of the bullshit doctors feed you so they can make money. They tell you you need the medication because there is a chemical imbalance in your brain when the truth is the medicine is what causes the imbalance in your brain. I'm just sick of putting pills in my body. I'm sick of having to make sure I take it all the time. I'm sick of not being able to stay up all night with friends. I'm sick of the doctors appointments and having to explain why I'm there a hundred times. During my research witch I have done lots of I found out the longer you take an antipsychotic the harder it is to ween off of it. I've been on it for almost 2 years now. But anyway this doctor was great he kept it real with me. He asked me some personal questions like when my last period was and if there were a chance I could be pregnant. I laughed and said NO! He said is it because you are on birth control or you aren't sexually active? I said "It's because I'm smart." Him and his assistant got a kick out of that. He thought is was a great response and said he's never got that before. He didn't want to change my medication yet but told me the next time he sees me we will start to decrease my medication and see how I do. It was so nice to not be fed bullshit for once. I hope everything goes good and I can eventually be pill free. 

Scars

I didn't know where he was taking me

but that didn't matter.

I was just happy I got to spend time with him.

After a short drive he pulled up to a bar

that I have been to before.

I would never forget my first time there.

As we walked In I insisted we sit at the bar.

Then I glanced over at the booth 

where I once sat with someone

who I was madly in love with.

I remember when we sat there holding hands and I rubbed by thumb across the scars on his wrist.

We finally were able to touch one another without getting yelled at.

We were finally free to be with one another and do whatever we wanted.

As fucked up as he was

I strongly believed he was the one

but I was wrong like I am about everyone I fall in love with.

My problem is that no matter what all I see are the best qualities in people.

I don't judge them for their mistakes or past. 

I'm also a strong believer in that anything is possible.

So when I see something I like in someone I run with it.

Yes I do get hurt, quite often actually

but I would rather have loved and lost

than to not have loved at all.

Thankfully I practice having control over my thoughts.

I don't think about anything and I just live in the present moment, embracing everything that is in front and around me.

I see things that others don't see because I'm not caught up in my mind.

So I stopped thinking about it 

and focused on who I was with now.

He's actually a much better guy 

in more ways than one.

Like I said before anything is possible.

Single and back home.

I usually say live life with no regrets but this I can't help but regret so fucking much. I regret getting back with him because if I didn't I would be in New York now most likely happier than ever.  I loved him and I would do anything to be with him. I sacrificed everything for him all to get to where I am now, single and back home. Before I got back with him I was so happy I seriously loved myself I knew where I was going in life, what I wanted. When we first got back together I told him I was going to move to New York and he was the one who convinced me to stay longer so he could save more money and move with me. Then after months go by and we are about to make the move he tells me he doesn't want to move there anymore and ever since I decided to not move there and stay here with him everything went to complete shit. Every day hes all over the place and would tell me something different every day. "Don't worry babe we're going to travel this summer."  The next day "I don't want to travel, I want to go back to school." The next day, "We're going to Japan in June.", The next day, "Oh, now we aren't."  "I want to do this., no I want to do that." "We should do this, no we should do that." I seriously have never been so mind fucked before. He gave me the run around and in return it made me confused and had me questioning everything especially our relationship.  I tried to help and bring positivity into his life and tried to steer him in the right direction, give him some guidance and I just got ridiculed for it. He told me I needed to change, told me I can't be happy all the time. He put me down for my spontaneous ways. I was ready to leave but no I fucking listened to him and look where that got me, single and back home. I'm not even sad that we broke up I am angry that I wasted my love, time and money on him. He is trying to be civil with me but honestly I have no need to still be friends with him after all the shit he put me though. At least now I know It would have never worked between us and I am free from the bullshit and happy again. Plus I'll be home for my best friends wedding and my sisters prom/ graduation. I also have a job lined up and I plan on saving over the summer then finally moving to New York where I belong. My advice is let past relationships stay in the past. Never let a man make you question yourself or beliefs and don't change for anyone especially if that change makes you sad or uncomfortable.  

No talking to people in other groups!

First thing I thought was boys boys boys. If there's one thing that helps with depression and anxiety it's hooking up. Feels good and gets your mind off of things. No way was I going to hook up with a guy from there. I mean I almost got away with hooking up with someone the first time I was there but we were in love and I'll save that for another story. Hooking up, actually any physical contact with another patient was absolutely forbidden. I was threatened my first time in the hospital because I placed my hand on a guy. They said if they saw us touch one more time they would send one of us to a different unit. This time I wouldn't take things that far but in the cafeteria I noticed two good looking guys and I eye fucked both of them. Besides my time in the cafeteria my day consisted of crying in my bed, going to groups and meeting with doctors that tried me on different meds and monitored me like a god damn lab rat. Honestly I was sick of thinking and talking about my problems I felt like I deserved to have a little fun. About the second or third day during lunch I waiting for one of the guys to walk by me at the salad bar. He was cute and I noticed he had guages in is ears. "Nice guages, what size are you?", "I'm at an inch.", "Cool I think that's the size I want to go to. They look really nice on you.", "No talking to people in other groups!" The nurse yelled at us. I just laughed and walked to my table. When he came down the aisle I made eye contact and smiled. Then I glanced at the nurse and noticed she was watching me like a hawk. At Dinner I was at the salad bar again when I noticed one of the nurses that was on my unit the first time I was hospitalized. She was a stone cold bitch. I'd tell you what she did but I'm saving that for another story as well. Anyway, as soon as I saw her I said, Remember Me?", She said, "Ofcourse I do, Why are you back?" I told her my meds stopped working. Then she asked me what unit I was in. The next morning before breakfast my whole group got a lecture about not talking to people in other groups in the cafeteria. I chuckled because I new it was because that bitch told them about me.  I sat there tapping my fingers on the table and waited for my next victim to walk up to the drink station. As soon as he went up I walked up next to him started pouring a coffee and said Hi. He asked me my name. I told him then he said, "Yo I thought it was you I just added you on Facebook the other day."  "Really?, thats awesome!" "Yeah, Do you have a Boyfriend?", I said "Nope" and I smiled and walked away. His table was all the way on the other side of the room. I made sure I sat facing him and kept making eye contact with him until his group left the cafeteria. During lunch I ran into him again and he told me he was getting out. I told him to keep in touch. We hung out a couple of times when I got out of the hospital. He ended up getting put on house arrest and would be on it for a year or so. He also had issues with his ex and I didn't have time to deal with that so I stopped talking to him. After he told me he was getting out of the hospital I thought, "Shit, I better slip the guy with the gauges my number before he leaves me too." This was gonna be fun. I wrote my number on a small piece of paper and said text me sometime with a wink face. I didn't put my name on it incase one of the nurses found it. Then I'd be in deep shit. They would probably take my cafeteria rights away from me and I really didn't want that to happen. At dinner I took my time placing cucumbers on my plate at the salad bar and waited for Guages to move up in the line. I looked to see if the nurses where watching, they weren't. I turned around and said Hey!, he looked at me and I handed him my number. He took it out of my hand and smiled. I walked over to my table feeling accomplished. One of the girls in my group was sitting across from me, noticed me smiling and asked "What are you up too?" I laughed, took a sip of my coffee and said "Nothing."

Abandonment & Attachment Related Trauma

On our way he insisted we stop at a place that looked like a whore house from something we had just seen in an episode of trailer park boys. As he exited the car he told me to sit tight. I watched him walk over to two whores. The whores kept looking at me sitting in the car and they continued to flirt with him. I wondered what was going on. I watched as he leaned over and whispered in one of the whores ears. I felt anxiety pounding me in the chest. Was he cheating on me? 

I looked down and told myself don't worry about it. No negative thoughts, just relax. He got back in the car, I didn't ask him about it because I trusted him. He told me I could trust him so I believed him and forced all the doubt and negative thoughts out of my head. We soon arrived at our destination. It was a place that looked familiar to me but I didn't know exactly where we were. It looked like the middle of a city and was surrounded by shops. It was night time and a lot of the shops were closing. I needed a new pair of gauges so I decided to see if any of the stores that were open sold them. He was with me for a while then told me he was going to look for something and that we would meet back up in a little bit. I said okay and I looked and looked for a store that sold gauges. I finally found a tattoo shop and found a pair that I liked then walked down a street and noticed some carnival type thing going on. Damn I wish he was here to see this with me. I took my phone out and tried texting and calling him but there was no answer. I started to panic. After a couple of calls he finally answered. I asked, "Where are you? Where are you?" He sat on the phone but didn't answer me. Continuing to ignore my question. "Please tell me where you are! What is going on?" Finally he told me where he was. He told me he had met up with a couple of his friends at some club in Wilkes Barre. "What? Why would you leave me here by myself!? And I have no Idea where I am!" No answer. The anxiety overwhelms my chest and I felt sick to my stomach. At that time I was already sitting in a taxi telling them to take me home. I was so confused and then he told me to take the taxi to the club where he was at. I thought he was ending it with me for sure. Why would he leave me all by myself? Just take off like that? I told the taxi driver to take me to the club. I looked down to see what I was wearing. I was dressed conservative and debated on if I should go home and change first before showing up there. Put something extremely sexy on and show him what he was losing. Then I heard the bedroom door open. I rolled over and felt him sit on the edge of the bed. I felt him place his hand on my leg."Good Morning Sleepyhead."

Crazy In Love

After hours of contemplating

I decided to come through

No one ever made me feel the way you did

I wanted to see if it was still true

What I truly desired most

Was being wrapped up in your arms

I always ran back to you

You kept me out of harm

Years have passed

We both have changed

I am no longer afraid

Being with you I feel so relaxed

No more anxiety 

It's the fears that took over my sanity

I hope you see that now

It's fun reminiscing with you

Now that we have figured ourselves out

People wont understand us

Call us crazy

But that's okay 

A love like we shared doesn't disappear

After years or even a decade

PDA

Mid conversation I got distracted by the couple sitting across from us at the bar. 

I watched as he massaged his fingers through her hair starting from the bottom of her neck working his way up, sliding his fingers through her long locks while rubbing her scalp. I watched as she closed her eyes and tilted her head to the side. I could feel what she felt for I have been touched like that before too and I yearned for that feeling again. 

Therefore I could not take my eyes off of them. My friend probably thought I was being ignorant for spacing him out but feeling something I so much desired was much more important than our conversation. Then, she opened her eyes and locked them with his. I watched him slowly pull her in for the kiss then I looked away to give them some privacy. "Get a room." my friend said amongst us. My response to him was, "It's beautiful really. When you are so into each other you don't think about who else is in the room the only thing on your mind is each other." Then I remembered how it was to look him in the eyes. I was so latched onto him. Actually every time we were together It felt like no one else was in the room just us. He was all I needed and wanted. No one else mattered. I only wished he were as into me as I was into him. Always distracted, always unfulfilled. That's one hell of a heart ache. When you feel so in love that nothing else matters. You let your guard down and hold your heart and soul In your hands and offer it to them. You want them to have it. You want them to have all of you. Hoping they too embrace you and love you the way you love them. Yet they are so easily distracted by other people or other things around them instead of embracing the moment and what's directly in from of them and in the end it's you who suffers. It's you who is alone. And you sit there picking up the broken pieces putting your heart back together. Watching that couple look into each other's eyes and feeling how crazy they were for each other gave me hope. "At least someone's getting laid around here." I joked as I watched them leave the bar.