Abandonment & Attachment Related Trauma

On our way he insisted we stop at a place that looked like a whore house from something we had just seen in an episode of trailer park boys. As he exited the car he told me to sit tight. I watched him walk over to two whores. The whores kept looking at me sitting in the car and they continued to flirt with him. I wondered what was going on. I watched as he leaned over and whispered in one of the whores ears. I felt anxiety pounding me in the chest. Was he cheating on me? 

I looked down and told myself don't worry about it. No negative thoughts, just relax. He got back in the car, I didn't ask him about it because I trusted him. He told me I could trust him so I believed him and forced all the doubt and negative thoughts out of my head. We soon arrived at our destination. It was a place that looked familiar to me but I didn't know exactly where we were. It looked like the middle of a city and was surrounded by shops. It was night time and a lot of the shops were closing. I needed a new pair of gauges so I decided to see if any of the stores that were open sold them. He was with me for a while then told me he was going to look for something and that we would meet back up in a little bit. I said okay and I looked and looked for a store that sold gauges. I finally found a tattoo shop and found a pair that I liked then walked down a street and noticed some carnival type thing going on. Damn I wish he was here to see this with me. I took my phone out and tried texting and calling him but there was no answer. I started to panic. After a couple of calls he finally answered. I asked, "Where are you? Where are you?" He sat on the phone but didn't answer me. Continuing to ignore my question. "Please tell me where you are! What is going on?" Finally he told me where he was. He told me he had met up with a couple of his friends at some club in Wilkes Barre. "What? Why would you leave me here by myself!? And I have no Idea where I am!" No answer. The anxiety overwhelms my chest and I felt sick to my stomach. At that time I was already sitting in a taxi telling them to take me home. I was so confused and then he told me to take the taxi to the club where he was at. I thought he was ending it with me for sure. Why would he leave me all by myself? Just take off like that? I told the taxi driver to take me to the club. I looked down to see what I was wearing. I was dressed conservative and debated on if I should go home and change first before showing up there. Put something extremely sexy on and show him what he was losing. Then I heard the bedroom door open. I rolled over and felt him sit on the edge of the bed. I felt him place his hand on my leg."Good Morning Sleepyhead."

Crazy In Love

After hours of contemplating

I decided to come through

No one ever made me feel the way you did

I wanted to see if it was still true

What I truly desired most

Was being wrapped up in your arms

I always ran back to you

You kept me out of harm

Years have passed

We both have changed

I am no longer afraid

Being with you I feel so relaxed

No more anxiety 

It's the fears that took over my sanity

I hope you see that now

It's fun reminiscing with you

Now that we have figured ourselves out

People wont understand us

Call us crazy

But that's okay 

A love like we shared doesn't disappear

After years or even a decade

PDA

Mid conversation I got distracted by the couple sitting across from us at the bar. 

I watched as he massaged his fingers through her hair starting from the bottom of her neck working his way up, sliding his fingers through her long locks while rubbing her scalp. I watched as she closed her eyes and tilted her head to the side. I could feel what she felt for I have been touched like that before too and I yearned for that feeling again. 

Therefore I could not take my eyes off of them. My friend probably thought I was being ignorant for spacing him out but feeling something I so much desired was much more important than our conversation. Then, she opened her eyes and locked them with his. I watched him slowly pull her in for the kiss then I looked away to give them some privacy. "Get a room." my friend said amongst us. My response to him was, "It's beautiful really. When you are so into each other you don't think about who else is in the room the only thing on your mind is each other." Then I remembered how it was to look him in the eyes. I was so latched onto him. Actually every time we were together It felt like no one else was in the room just us. He was all I needed and wanted. No one else mattered. I only wished he were as into me as I was into him. Always distracted, always unfulfilled. That's one hell of a heart ache. When you feel so in love that nothing else matters. You let your guard down and hold your heart and soul In your hands and offer it to them. You want them to have it. You want them to have all of you. Hoping they too embrace you and love you the way you love them. Yet they are so easily distracted by other people or other things around them instead of embracing the moment and what's directly in from of them and in the end it's you who suffers. It's you who is alone. And you sit there picking up the broken pieces putting your heart back together. Watching that couple look into each other's eyes and feeling how crazy they were for each other gave me hope. "At least someone's getting laid around here." I joked as I watched them leave the bar. 

We have to go back!

We were having an awesome night, sitting by the fire and drinking a couple of beers. It started getting late and we decided to head home. I was resting my eyes on the drive home until my friend said "Holy shit a car got into an accident, we have to go back!" I replied "What? Seriously?" As we pull up and get out of the car all I see is a car with about three Indian gentlemen outside and there headlights shining on a car with the entire front end smashed. We run up and ask them are there people in there? And before the one guy could finish his sentence I ran as fast as I could up to the car to see if people were hurt. Upon opening the driver side door a man steps out, lighting a cigarette and his face covered in blood. The radio was blasting. I asked are you okay? What is your name? He was able to tell me his name and he asked me to turn the radio off and to grab his shoe. He only had one shoe on. I leaned into the car turned the loud music off and grabbed him his shoe. Meanwhile one of the Indian guys was on the phone with the cops and asked my friend to talk to them because they couldn't understand what he was saying. My friend talked to the cops giving them our location. I continued trying to talk to the guy that got in the accident. Where were you coming from? He said his family was camping down the road. Have you been drinking? Moments later he replied "I'm so fucked" I felt my friend grab my arm and say we need to leave." Let's try to clear up the road then we need to get the fuck out of here." There was car debris all over the road. Kicking it to the side we saw one of the tires and parts from under the car sitting on the side of the road. I stared at it in shock I never seen an accident like that before. "Holy Shit!" I said, as my friend took my hand and we ran to our car. "We need to get the fuck out of here! The cops are coming and we have been drinking." We ran to the car and got inside. My friend screamed at me "Let me see your hands! Did you get blood on you?" I put my hands out "No, No!" I didn't touch any blood!" Are you sure? "Yes, yes, I'm sure." He told me to never go near or touch someone whose bleeding without gloves. "You never know! They could have something! AIDS, anything!" "Okay" I replied and he slammed on the gas. I couldn't believe what just happened. "So fucked up." I looked at him. "Sorry I'm a little shaken". "It's okay, me too." Wow, I did not expect to see that tonight." "Me too", he replied. I rested my head on his lap while he combed his fingers through my hair. "That was crazy."

Wrestling around like children.

Laying there while you comb your fingers

through my hair

Holding me in your arms 

Legs wrapped together 

Comfortable, inseparable and safe

I love the smell of your vape

And feeling your hand upon my face 

I like the way you play with me

Wrestling around like children

Making you laugh 

Is one of my missions

It's a tough time but I'm here to remind you that things will be okay

I'll visit you as often as I can

Keep you company

And I'll make you smile

It's attractive

When you switch up your style

It's also impressive that you care

Hurt you like she did, I wouldn't dare

And I am excited to see where this goes

Yes we have been spending time together

I don't give a shit who knows

It's no ones business but our own

I Can't wait to see you again

Maybe next time we'll carve pumpkins

Before the winter comes

And it's too cold

Yes it blows

But I can't wait to snuggle up under blankets and drink hot cocoa

With you

These times are rough

But we'll make it through

Know what's better than one? 

Two. 

And don't waste time worrying babe

I won't leave you. 

To you, wherever you are.

I forgive you

Hold me tight

Promise me this time

You'll do me right

Don't do me wrong

Me and you, we belong

To overcome your fears, it was long

You were still weak while I was strong

But I believed in you all along

And I always will

Holding me in your arms again

what a thrill

I felt alone, until 

you came back to me

Without you I couldn't breathe

It was killing me, internally

Together again, our love will be

As Beautiful as the sky above the sea

Day 5

Day 5,

Now I'm not so happy he is here.

At first when I saw him I was flustered and filled with joy. Until he sat next to me and told me that he has a girlfriend. 

See, we hung out a couple of times the week before I came in here. We talked and we hugged. He hugged me around my waist and asked me not to leave. I thought he liked me. But the last time I was going to see him he bailed. I had to take my mom to work since we'd been sharing the car and I had two hours free before class. I asked him the night before if I could come over in the morning and cuddle before class. I knew I'd be exhausted and I missed his smell. He wore this cologne that smelled so good. Every time I'd leave him the smell would linger with me for the rest of the day. I was feeling so stressed lately and something about that smell relaxed me. I couldn't get enough of it. Anyway, he told me "Ofcourse you can!" and I told him I'd be there around 9. After I dropped my mom off I texted him. No answer. I went all the way to his house and tried calling him. No answer. So I left. Let down and disappointed. But whatever I was used to it. Getting let down and disappointed by men. 

Now when I first saw him walking down the hall I couldn't believe it! I was thinking what are the chances he would be in here the same time as me? Maybe it was fate? Maybe it was meant to be? But that whole idea was soon shot to shit.

He came up to me as I was coloring and told me he should have never done anything with me because he never loved me.

He said he has a girlfriend now and that he loves her and that one day I'd find someone to love me but it's not him.

Since then he hasn't shown any interest in me what so ever. Plus I can't even have a conversation with him. He thinks he knows it all and it's kind of annoying. 

It's a shame. 

As I sit on the chair in the smoke room I look over and see him sitting on the floor. 

It reminds me of the time me and Jason were in here and we sat on the floor together.

We both had severe anxiety and depression. As we sat next to eachother on the floor I'd lay my head on his shoulder and we would both smoke one cigarette and then share one. 

I missed that contact between us. At that time it was the most comforting thing in the world. Having someone who feels the same way as you, someone who understands you, someone to lean on.

I reminisce over Jason as I lay my head on the girls shoulder sitting next to me.

She was old enough to be my mom but she let me keep my head on her shoulder as I blew my cigarette smoke into the air.