Day 5

Day 5,

Now I'm not so happy he is here.

At first when I saw him I was flustered and filled with joy. Until he sat next to me and told me that he has a girlfriend. 

See, we hung out a couple of times the week before I came in here. We talked and we hugged. He hugged me around my waist and asked me not to leave. I thought he liked me. But the last time I was going to see him he bailed. I had to take my mom to work since we'd been sharing the car and I had two hours free before class. I asked him the night before if I could come over in the morning and cuddle before class. I knew I'd be exhausted and I missed his smell. He wore this cologne that smelled so good. Every time I'd leave him the smell would linger with me for the rest of the day. I was feeling so stressed lately and something about that smell relaxed me. I couldn't get enough of it. Anyway, he told me "Ofcourse you can!" and I told him I'd be there around 9. After I dropped my mom off I texted him. No answer. I went all the way to his house and tried calling him. No answer. So I left. Let down and disappointed. But whatever I was used to it. Getting let down and disappointed by men. 

Now when I first saw him walking down the hall I couldn't believe it! I was thinking what are the chances he would be in here the same time as me? Maybe it was fate? Maybe it was meant to be? But that whole idea was soon shot to shit.

He came up to me as I was coloring and told me he should have never done anything with me because he never loved me.

He said he has a girlfriend now and that he loves her and that one day I'd find someone to love me but it's not him.

Since then he hasn't shown any interest in me what so ever. Plus I can't even have a conversation with him. He thinks he knows it all and it's kind of annoying. 

It's a shame. 

As I sit on the chair in the smoke room I look over and see him sitting on the floor. 

It reminds me of the time me and Jason were in here and we sat on the floor together.

We both had severe anxiety and depression. As we sat next to eachother on the floor I'd lay my head on his shoulder and we would both smoke one cigarette and then share one. 

I missed that contact between us. At that time it was the most comforting thing in the world. Having someone who feels the same way as you, someone who understands you, someone to lean on.

I reminisce over Jason as I lay my head on the girls shoulder sitting next to me.

She was old enough to be my mom but she let me keep my head on her shoulder as I blew my cigarette smoke into the air.