2016

            
Has anyone ever asked you if you have a favorite year? Someone asked me a couple of months ago and I didn't have an answer until this day, New Years Eve. And 2016 was by far my best year. My goal for the year was to move to New York City and I did just that. Luckily I take pictures of everything and can give you guys a recap as well as a visual of my best year, 2016. Lets start with this exact day last year...

I was heading down to West Pittston to celebrate New Years with my ex.

We got back together for only a couple of months and I learned it would never work out between us. I didn't regret anything because I would never have to ask myself, What if? again. By the time that had ended it was spring and the most beautiful time to be in a little town called Weatherly. I had all of my things packed but decided to stay home and work throughout the summer. That way I  could save up more money and would be home for

My sisters Graduation and my best friends wedding.
 

 

          I promised myself that I would make the best out of the summer. I picked up a cashier job at a local grocery store that was super easy and not stressful at all.

 

I went on hikes almost every day and soaked up as much sun as possible.

 

I spent a lot of time with my friends.
 

 

I ran almost every day and got in the best shape I've ever been.

 

 

Then October came. I packed my belongings in my best friends car and

 

I moved to New York City.
 

Every day since I moved to New York City has been quite an adventure.

 

In only 3 Months:

 

I dog Walked.

 

I moved into my own Studio Apartment.

 

 

I worked at Coyote Ugly.

I ate at the most beautiful restaurants.

 

I danced in the biggest night clubs.

 

I stayed up all night running around the city.

 

I spent Halloween surrounded by people in costumes.

 

 

I upgraded my shoe collection.

 

 

I ice skated at Rockefeller Center with my family.
 

 

 

I watched the Macys Thanksgiving Day Parade. (In Person)
 

I walked past Sam Rockwell and his wife Leslie Bibb.
 

 

 

I bought my first Christmas Tree for my apartment.

 

 

I gave my sister the best day for her 19th Birthday.

 

I got tattooed for an an entire day.

 

 

And for the perfect ending to the best year, I got to spend Christmas with my family and friends.

 

 

 I am so thankful for everything I have and for everyone who has been there for me throughout this crazy year. I've been doing a lot of thinking about what my goal will be for next year and decided in 2017 I will get a Real-Estate license and land a career. I make a lot of money now but I don't want to live off of tips forever. I want a legit job with a steady income. That doesn't mean that I'm throwing my creativity down the toilet. I will continue to work on my books and start painting again.

 

This city has so much to offer and I cant wait to see all that I accomplish in 2017! 

When can we do that again?

First of all, I don't think tinder is ever a good idea, especially when you want to find someone to date or possibly marry. All guys want on tinder is to get in your pants!!!!! My friend Janelle said she would go on all these fun dates from tinder so I thought, fuck it I'll get on there. I've been on tinder before back in PA but never in New York and there are so many guys on tinder in New York. So anyway.... we were in one of those going out/ group things and I connected with one of the guys in the group. So we exchanged numbers. It was my first week after moving to the city and I had been nonstop doing things, applying for jobs, Gogo dancing and partying. I was free one night and I wanted to meet this guy, so I told him I'd hangout with him if we could just relax and watch Netflix. Netflix and chill but I was clear with him, I told him I could not have sex with him because I was on my period. Would I sleep with him, maybe. If he was as attractive as his pics... maybe. But I legit couldn't and made sure I told him before I came over to "Netflix and Chill". Also, he lived in Brooklyn and if I was going to make the trip to come hangout with him I wanted him to know he was not getting the goods that way he would get upset with me and it would be awkward and so forth. Everyone in New York knows traveling from Upper West Side Manhattan to Brooklyn is a fucking hike. I had nothing to lose though and could use some movie time and cuddles. Our first date was great. For the initial ice breaker I met him at this bar near his place and we conversed over a couple of glasses of wine and we clicked. He suggested we meet there in case. But I was thinking, even if we didn't get along, you better let me sleep at your fucking house. I just made the hike to get here. Even if we didn't get a long, you better buy me a fucking drink and at least let me sleep on your fucking couch after I came all this way to see you. Thankfully though, we got along and he quickly invited me back to his place. We got there and we watched some of the new Star Trek movie that he had. I thought it was fucking awesome because I'm a huge nerd. During watching the movie we starting rubbing up on each other and I could tell he was getting tired so I suggested we go to bed. I asked to borrow one of his tee shirts to sleep in. It was a white cut off with black writing. I don't remember what it said but I'm attracted to black and white things so I said, "I am wearing this one!" and pulled it off of the rack he had in his bedroom. I told him I forgot my toothbrush and asked for some mouthwash. After washing my mouth out I jumped into his super comfortable bed and hid underneath the covers. He got in with me and cuddled up against me. He was taller than me and our bodies felt very comfortable up against each other. Then ofcourse, I brushed my lips against his and we started kissing. He was a great kisser. Once I felt his fingers go through my hair and he pulled my head back it was on like donkey kong. He flipped over so he was on top of me and he pulled my shirt off. He started kissing and sucking on my nipples and then worked his way down. I had leggings on and he pulled them down so he was just at the top of my pubic hair. Then he looked up at me and was surprised when he asked, "Are you really not wearing any underwear?", I laughed, No, I never do.

"Then you give me no choice but to tease you.", he said. I lifted my head up, looked at him and said, "Oh my god." Then put my head back into the pillow and squeezed it tight. He kept kissing lower and lower and I reminded him, "I have my period, you can't." Then I pulled my leggings back up and flipped over so I was basically in the doggy position. I buried my ass up against him and let him pull my leggings back down. He asked me," Is this okay?" I knew exactly what he meant. I looked back at him over my shoulder and smirked, "Yes it is." I felt his tongue licking my ass. I clenched his down comforter and buried my face into the pillow, moaning uncontrollably. His face came back up towards mine and I whispered in his ear, "I want to let you, but I'm scared." Then I told him how I use toys and wanted to use one of my toys on myself so that way if I tried anal with a guy it might not hurt so much. Ya know? I could like warm myself up to it. He couldn't believe what I said and asked me to repeat myself. Then he told me he would use my toys on me if I let him. I laughed and said, "Maybe." Then flipped myself back around. He laid himself next to me and pulled me in to cuddle. Then said to me, "I can't believe how comfortable you feel." I said, "You to baby." Then I rested my head on his chest and fell asleep. The next morning I hugged him goodbye and I boarded the closest subway train heading back home. While I was waiting for the train to arrive I received a text from him that said, "When can we do that again?"

I Fucking Did It!!!!!

It has been the craziest couple of weeks. I'll start from the beginning. I had a place and roommate about two months before I was supposed to move to the city. We set a move in date and everything and then a week before I'm supposed to leave, the morning after my girlfriends and I celebrate the big move, we were sitting at Denny's and I get a text from my roommate saying he's having family problems and that it's, "Not A Good Time." In the past if something like that happened to me I would have a mental breakdown, but I didn't I'm a very strong woman now and I can handle whatever life throws my way. I did stop the car on the way home and cried a little bit but I sucked it up. I wasn't going to give up, especially after working so hard for several months for this. I have never wanted something so badly in my entire life. So change of plan I had to find a place to live. At first I really tried to find a place by the 18th so I'd still move on my planned move in date.  It was the most stressful week of my life. Messaging tons of people all day from the time I woke up to the time I went to bed. Phone calls, faceTime, sending the same desperate message to so many people. Getting my hopes up over and over again thinking this one might be it but no. After almost getting scammed twice and being so fucking mentally exhausted I had to accept it couldn't happen that fast. One week is not enough time. I had to tell myself it was okay if I didn't move that day. The day I planned and was so excited for. I stayed strong even though deep down I felt disappointed in myself. But I knew I had to do the smart thing. This is a huge move and I saved only so much money. I had to be smart, take my time and not rush into anything. One of my problems well I don't know if you would call it a problem but I would never ask for help even though I needed it. I think one time when I was a kid and in class I asked a question and everyone laughed at me so ever since then I always kept to myself. Ever since I got help two yrs ago I've been getting better with it. I will ask for help if I need it. And after a week of hell trying to find a place on my own I had to ask friends and family for help. Thank god for my aunt and my friends  that helped me out with this because it is so hard to try and move to the city all on your own. I got in touch with a friend of mine that lives in Manhattan that I hadn't seen since high school and she helped me so much. Told me about all of these Facebook groups for housing, asked around if anyone needed roommates, and even let me crash on her couch this week so I can find a place. I truly believe if it wasn't for her I wouldn't have found such an amazing place. I hope she reads this and knows how thankful I am. You have helped me so much Janelle and it means so much to me. So my first day room hunting my first place to checkout was in Manhattan near Riverside Park. It was a month sublet for October and the place was absolutely beautiful, almost too beautiful. High ceilings, super clean, art on the walls, antiques. The two things that caught my eye was the Buddha painting on the wall and these antique lockers next to a piano in the spacious living room. The bedroom was incredible too. The bed was huge. lots of space and a great view from the window. I had such a good feeling about it but Janelle's friend had a place that was a little cheaper and most importantly long term. I wouldn't mind a month sublet to get my ass into the city but if I could put the same or even less the amount of money into something long term I'd rather do that. So I told the landlord I absolutely loved it but there was a place I really wanted that I was going to see the next day and I told him I would keep him posted. So yesterday I went to checkout the place and I was so heart set on it. But unfortunately they had other people that were going to check it out and she had to talk to the landlord this weekend. There was no guarantee that I would get the place let alone be able to move in October 1st like I was planning. I left really let down. Janelle told me I would find something nicer and she was right. This morning I woke up hungover and dreading having to look at places again. Then I got woken up from a call informing me that I got the dog walking job that I interviewed for and that I start next week. I was so happy and that was enough motivation to get my ass off the couch and look for places. I signed up on a different subletting site emailed a shit ton of people. I didn't hear anything back after a couple of hours so I went to forever 21 and bought myself a new black leather jacket and pair of sunglasses. If I was going to take on the city I was going to look bad ass while doing it. When I got back to my friends place I received a message from the guy from the first place I looked at,"Are you still Interested?" And I so badly wanted to say yes but I would rather get something long term. So I told him I really love your place but the one I'm waiting to hear back from is more long term. Then he told me his place is available till august. When he agreed that I only have to pay month to month no security or first and last months rent, I said yes. He told me it's all mine and I broke out into tears. Tears of joy. When I pictured myself in a room in New York it was exactly like the one I'd be moving in to. Perfect location, awesome roommates, super clean, big bed, art all around, great view, gorgeous apartment. I move in this weekend. Then I start working and my adventure finally begins. I fucking did it!!!!!!!!!!

Not So Pretty

I'm gonna start this off by saying I know that I am pretty. You may think,"What a conceited bitch.", but my entire life up until about a year ago I thought that I was ugly. Now I know that I am pretty and more on the inside than out. But this blog post is titled "Not so Pretty" and I'll tell you why, because being pretty isn't always so pretty. Lots of you think pretty girls have it made, that they can get anything they want in life. That is true in some ways but my life is not all peaches and cream because I have good looks. One shitty thing about being pretty is you can't go anywhere or do anything without getting hit on. Just the other day I walked into a convieniant to get a couple of twisted teas and not once but twice was I hit on. I'm standing there trying to pay for my drinks and the guy behind me says, "Damn where are you from? I never seen you before.", then asked me for my number. Was he hot? No!!!!. It's never the hot guys hitting on you. He was old and missing some of his front teeth. After I told him "I'm sorry I don't give my number out." he left. Then the cashier hit on me too. "Where are you from? Oh, these are for you and your girlfriends but no boyfriend? Why?" All I'm trying to do is buy some drinks here!!!! That's all I want to do!!!! Not only do I get hit on no matter where I go or what I do, having good looks has also negatively impacted my jobs. In a lot of bar/ restaurant setting jobs I've felt uncomfortable by fellow employees even managers. I've had one of the cooks at a restaurant I worked at slap my ass. I smacked him in the face and told him that was not acceptable. Guess what? A couple of months later he did it again! At another job it was my second day and my shift was over. I sat at the bar to have a beer then the bartender asked if I could bring these two drinks up to my managers office. It's what he got every night. Here ya go I said as I brought them into his room and set them on his desk. "Oh thank you." he said, then I watched his eyes go from my ass up to my face. It always happens. What is up with guys looking you up and down and making sure you notice them checking you out? Do they think we think it's hot or something? It's not!!! It's creepy!!! and it is disrespectful!!! Speaking of disrespectful, Facebook! If you are a pretty girl on Facebook the number of messages you get from creepy guys is ridiculous. I never thought it was a big deal until guys would literally blow my messages up and be rude because I didn't respond. You think you could ignore their 55 messages saying "Hey", but no. I've had guys call me a fucking whore because I didn't answer them. Another time I had a guy blowing me up so bad. "Where are you?,What's up?, Hello?, Why don't you answer me?, Hey," I was so fed up I actually said to the kid, "When someone doesn't respond to all of your messages  they are not interested! Take a fucking hint!" I even had one guy message me once, "Sex?", Like really??? Another problem pretty girls face is finding a guy that looks past the surface and appreciates who they are on the inside. Nothing annoys me more than when I'm trying to have a conversation with a guy and they keep touching my leg or keep trying to make out with me. Don't get me wrong I love kisses and being passionate but for five minutes? Please!!!! Could you actually pay attention to what I am saying and keep your dick in your pants for five minutes???? I may be pretty but I have brains too and I wish guys would acknowledge it. Maybe compliment how smart I am? Instead of telling me how pretty I am or how nice my ass is. Another circumstance is being a pretty girl in the club. The only good thing is free drinks. It's true!! Pretty girls do get a lot of free drinks but you know the repercussions of letting a guy but you a drink? They won't go the fuck away!! They leach on to you. Sitting at the bar you turn around, there he is. You walk to the complete opposite side of the bar and they somehow end up right behind you. Or you're dancing in the middle of the dance floor surrounded by 50 people, I guarantee you can spot him through the crowd looking like Where's Waldo, stalking your ass. Also, guys don't understand what the word no means. You tell them, "I do not want to dance with you. I want to dance with my girlfriends.", but yet you feel them grab your waist and pull you into them. I said No!!!!! Just because you are pretty they think they can treat you like a piece of meat. And last but certainly not least, Dick Pics. If you are a pretty girl with a SnapChat you know what I'm talking about. When I first got snapchat and posted my snap name on Twitter my snapchat was swarming with dicks. It amazes me that guys think girls want to see it. And they call us crazy? What makes you think Id want to see your floppy disgusting penis while I'm on my lunch break. So there you have it the day in the life of a pretty girl consists of not being able to go into a convieniant store without getting hit on, getting sexually harassed at work, creepy guys messaging you and stalking you in the bar, guys not giving a shit about your personality and endless amounts of dick pics. Not so peachy.

Keeping It Real

I showed up early for once but yet I had to wait an extra twenty-five minutes until the door opened. "I apologize in advance, Shay-Lin, is it? I corrected her pronunciation of my name and followed her down a hall and when she turned the door knob I hoped this doctor wouldn't be like the last one I went too. I walked in the room and was surprised to see the computer screen was huge and the doctor was an attractive white male probably in his early thirties. I took a seat and said this is weird and laughed. It was the first time I was seeing a doctor over a computer screen. We introduced ourselves then got straight to business. I felt comfortable with him so I asked him something that's been on my mind for quite some time now. I know you are just meeting me now and you don't know much about me but how do you know when someone doesn't have to be on medication anymore? When I was first in the hospital I was a mess. I learned so many traumatizing things that happened to me that I definitely needed to be on medication to cope with it all. But after time has passed I feel like I've improved a lot. I've accepted the things that have happened and I no longer get  that crippling anxiety. I also know how to handle stressful situations. The doctor said, honestly there is no way to know for sure if someone doesn't need medication anymore. Basically it's up to me and how I feel. Instead of freaking out on me like other doctors would. "You can't stop your medication!" "You need medication!" "You have a chemical imbalance in your brain!", Is just some of the bullshit doctors feed you so they can make money. They tell you you need the medication because there is a chemical imbalance in your brain when the truth is the medicine is what causes the imbalance in your brain. I'm just sick of putting pills in my body. I'm sick of having to make sure I take it all the time. I'm sick of not being able to stay up all night with friends. I'm sick of the doctors appointments and having to explain why I'm there a hundred times. During my research witch I have done lots of I found out the longer you take an antipsychotic the harder it is to ween off of it. I've been on it for almost 2 years now. But anyway this doctor was great he kept it real with me. He asked me some personal questions like when my last period was and if there were a chance I could be pregnant. I laughed and said NO! He said is it because you are on birth control or you aren't sexually active? I said "It's because I'm smart." Him and his assistant got a kick out of that. He thought is was a great response and said he's never got that before. He didn't want to change my medication yet but told me the next time he sees me we will start to decrease my medication and see how I do. It was so nice to not be fed bullshit for once. I hope everything goes good and I can eventually be pill free. 

Scars

I didn't know where he was taking me

but that didn't matter.

I was just happy I got to spend time with him.

After a short drive he pulled up to a bar

that I have been to before.

I would never forget my first time there.

As we walked In I insisted we sit at the bar.

Then I glanced over at the booth 

where I once sat with someone

who I was madly in love with.

I remember when we sat there holding hands and I rubbed by thumb across the scars on his wrist.

We finally were able to touch one another without getting yelled at.

We were finally free to be with one another and do whatever we wanted.

As fucked up as he was

I strongly believed he was the one

but I was wrong like I am about everyone I fall in love with.

My problem is that no matter what all I see are the best qualities in people.

I don't judge them for their mistakes or past. 

I'm also a strong believer in that anything is possible.

So when I see something I like in someone I run with it.

Yes I do get hurt, quite often actually

but I would rather have loved and lost

than to not have loved at all.

Thankfully I practice having control over my thoughts.

I don't think about anything and I just live in the present moment, embracing everything that is in front and around me.

I see things that others don't see because I'm not caught up in my mind.

So I stopped thinking about it 

and focused on who I was with now.

He's actually a much better guy 

in more ways than one.

Like I said before anything is possible.

Single and back home.

I usually say live life with no regrets but this I can't help but regret so fucking much. I regret getting back with him because if I didn't I would be in New York now most likely happier than ever.  I loved him and I would do anything to be with him. I sacrificed everything for him all to get to where I am now, single and back home. Before I got back with him I was so happy I seriously loved myself I knew where I was going in life, what I wanted. When we first got back together I told him I was going to move to New York and he was the one who convinced me to stay longer so he could save more money and move with me. Then after months go by and we are about to make the move he tells me he doesn't want to move there anymore and ever since I decided to not move there and stay here with him everything went to complete shit. Every day hes all over the place and would tell me something different every day. "Don't worry babe we're going to travel this summer."  The next day "I don't want to travel, I want to go back to school." The next day, "We're going to Japan in June.", The next day, "Oh, now we aren't."  "I want to do this., no I want to do that." "We should do this, no we should do that." I seriously have never been so mind fucked before. He gave me the run around and in return it made me confused and had me questioning everything especially our relationship.  I tried to help and bring positivity into his life and tried to steer him in the right direction, give him some guidance and I just got ridiculed for it. He told me I needed to change, told me I can't be happy all the time. He put me down for my spontaneous ways. I was ready to leave but no I fucking listened to him and look where that got me, single and back home. I'm not even sad that we broke up I am angry that I wasted my love, time and money on him. He is trying to be civil with me but honestly I have no need to still be friends with him after all the shit he put me though. At least now I know It would have never worked between us and I am free from the bullshit and happy again. Plus I'll be home for my best friends wedding and my sisters prom/ graduation. I also have a job lined up and I plan on saving over the summer then finally moving to New York where I belong. My advice is let past relationships stay in the past. Never let a man make you question yourself or beliefs and don't change for anyone especially if that change makes you sad or uncomfortable.